10 things I hate about You

This is more of a letter to the people in my Grad school that I thought would stay forever, people I used to call my friends. 

The original dialogue goes somewhat like this

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. 

I hate the way you drive my car. 

I hate it when you stare. 

I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. 

I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme.

I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. 

I hate it when you lie. 

I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call.

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

Honestly I'm short of words as tears threaten to well my eyes. There's these 3 people I called mine, three people I cannot get out of my mind and even in the moments I felt overpowering hatred toward them, It could never be hate because for them I'll always care. I didn't knew they would become so dear to me in just two years and as the third one goes on without them, everyday its hard to ignore the fact that I miss them, I miss having them, their dumb questions and dumber reactions, their broken humor, unflinching sarcasm, their resting bitch face or their urge to be cinematic in their approach, their avoidance towards serious topics because they're all so fucking scared of being loved and being understood to their depths. The question remains this, is everything they did hurt me so much I can't forgive them? Or am I pretending to hate them because I'm scared they don't want me anymore and they truly don't care? I have my reasons, I'll explain. They all had a choice and I wasn't one they chose and it made me realize that maybe I'm not worthy of them all. But past everything, every shitty excuse I give myself and everyone else as to why I avoid them, the truth is a part of me immensely misses having them around. So here's a letter to the three of them, one I'll probably never share because I'm scared as hell. 

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you make me feel that I'm wrong for being so enthusiastic most of the time. 

I hate the way you didn't stand up for me when I thought as a friend you would. 

I hate it when you stare, worse when you ignore me. 

I hate your stupid resting face, but I hate it more when you're on the edge of tears.

I hate that you know all my secrets, and the way you still walked away

I hate you so much it makes me cry, but more than that it makes me afraid 

I hate the way you're the only ones I know I'll vibe with in this class

I hate it when you laugh and I don't know the joke

I hate the way I feel left out despite trying my hardest to hold on

I hate that I'm so fucking emotional, that I still haven't let go of y'all 

I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call.

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. 

Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

You all know who you are, you all know where I am. If I'm wrong in your eyes, I'd wish you'd come and talk it out with me for hours because I'm still the girl on that very first day who reached out and wanted to be friends, who doesn't always know the right thing to do or say but is gonna be there when you need a shoulder to cry on or a reality check. I won't beg but I do miss you and I don't know when that will change.