When you're the only one talking, you stop.
A while ago, I had a conversation with an old friend of mine. And I asked them to talk about anything at all, whatever possible to keep the conversation going and they had nothing to say. In that moment, I was done with words. Done with talking. Done with trying to have a conversation with anyone. Because what does it matter if you're the only one who wants to talk, you're the only one who is enthusiastic, you're the only one who feels the need of conversation. When you're the only one talking, you grow quiet and you stay so. Maybe for a while, maybe forever.
This kind of pain is the weirdest. Because you don't see it coming. You have no idea how to deal with it. It bends you and breaks you in a silent way and all you can do is watch yourself become someone you never thought you'll be. Have you noticed how very talkative children grow into quiet adults? Or very quiet children into aggressive teenagers? I know this little girl, 9 y/o, she talks rudely to her elders and shrieks everytime someone tells her not to do something she wants to. She is not close to her grandparents and she dislikes both her parents already. And she's the same little girl I heard telling her mother to stop arguing with her father because the guy would slap his wife if she argued more.
People with childhood trauma are the most delicate because it takes a while to understand what broke them and a hell lot of time to heal them. They inevitably do bad things, make horrible life decisions and feel empty from within because no one held them when they broke. They're not a masterpiece of broken parts stuck back together to make them more beautiful and better than before. They're like that deck of cards you keep trying to make a castle of and fail everytime. Because there's so much wind(trauma) , and it never completely goes away. Its always there, reminding them why they don't belong, why they're not good enough. So everytime they come across a gentle, kind person, they get attached and try to find in that person someone who will love their broken pieces not realising that no amount of loving will fill them until they unlearn their coping mechanisms and feel like they deserve the love they get.
